Well, here I am, 8:05 in the morning, taking a break at work and pondering what the hell I’m gonna do with this blog that I created out of a spur of the moment thing.
And then it came to me… This liking to be alone and how it plays into always feeling like being the odd one in the room or among people.
Imagine this: You walk into a room, group of people, the grocery store… whatever daily scenario floats your boat, and instantly you feel like everyone is watching your every little action. You feel judged, you’re nervous, your skin starts to crawl,.. in short, anxiety starts seeping in and it just makes everything awkward. And hard.
Confidence and Courage don’t factor into this. Sure, both can make you do stuff you normal wouldn’t, they allow you to take that step out of your comfort zone and try something different, but neither erase that crawly feeling of just not fitting in. Just like at work, you’re in an everyday situation, surrounded by coworkers, people you’ve learned and adjusted to having around you, but today there’s this tension in the air, like static, that makes you feel ten times more awkward. And then you start to wonder… is it something you did? Something you said? Or did they finally catch on that you’re different, not like them and now they’ll start treating you with…, dislike, disdain maybe. Or even outright hate?
Or are they simply having a bad day? Are you being over sensitive? Is it just your imagination going haywire?
You don’t know. And you can’t tell by simple observation either. And when you ask „whats going on? Are you alright?“ they deny it. The answer usually is something along the lines of „no! Everything’s fine“ but there is that look in their eyes you just cant seem to interpret properly. Are they just having a headache, is it something they don’t want to talk about, and then back to the start, completing the circle, is it you? At that point everything just sort of spirals out of control and you feel meek and detached and just want to make it through the day, because now you’re noticing every little gesture and word and its just making it worse.
The next day, everything seems fine again , but now you’re questioning everything and just feel off kilter and awkward. So, you go with caution and try to stay out of whatever the hell is going on, and it makes you talk even less because all your focus is sucked up by the all consuming awareness and still trying to do whatever you’re supposed to be doing.
By the way, that’s the point were you realize that words have more power than you’d thought and lies aren’t gonna make it better. You can probably spot a lie easily with that hyper awareness mode you’re in, so you make the conscious choice to not lie if you don’t have to. Its a path littered with half truths, and truths soaked with sarcasm and irony. And a barrel full of creative wording. When you actually bother to let all the words pass your teeth. Which more often than not doesn’t seem like its worth the effort in the first place. Talking just becomes another bother in some ways, because people seem to be deaf, even when they aren’t, and you aren’t gonna waste breath on someone who doesn’t give two licks about you because they are so wrapped up in their own life that you don’t really factor into it in the first place.
Now this isn’t an out of the norm occurrence that only happens once in a blue moon. It’s a constant factor in your everyday life. Its just something you have to live with, and learn how to handle without loosing yourself in the madness of an emotional Roller-coaster that seems to want to drag you through the ups and downs of life. The only reprieve is the rest of the time, the majority of it, when you’re floating in this pool of awesome apathy that just makes everything so much easier to deal with. Let’s you go through life without those pesky worry’s dragging you down too much. Emotions? What are emotions?
It seems like a good thing, right? Nope, its not. It’s a one way ticket to no mans land, also known as loneliness. Because there is a difference between being alone, for an introvert a good and helpful thing, and being lonely. And you will be lonely, lost in your own apathetic view of the world and you’ll stop being able to deal with people. Seriously. That ingrained knowledge of how to connect with others will fade and one day you will wake up and realize that you forgot how to be human. And it might be that life didn’t give you any other options, that the choices you could make led you to that point, but relearning all that shit? That’s one rocky road of an uphill battle.
So, yes, being the odd one has its reasons, like lots and lots of reasons and downsides. (I could call it being damaged…etc, but that just sounds so negative…so I won’t.)
But… That won’t change, no matter how much you fake it (been there, done that, trust me, it’s even more exhausting), at the end of the day, you’re still you. Problems and fears and oddities included. You’re weird? Embrace it. You are who you are, might as well stop pretending to be like everyone else and start accepting it. Go with the flow. Sooner or later you’ll figure out those limits and the warning signs and learn to take those breaks you need to recharge.
It’s okay to be weird. Odd. Different.
It’s okay to feel bone-tired of people and needing space.
It’s okay to want to belong.
It’s okay to be afraid, nervous or downright scared.
Figure out your strenghts, accept your flaws and the road gets a lot less frustrating and a lot more fun to walk, dance or stroll along.
(BTW, it’s now 17:29 local time and I’ve spent every free moment adding to this on my phone. A lot of what I wanted to say got lost in-between, but I think I managed to get my point across.)